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What’s Life Without Happiness?

Thoughts weighing heavy on my conscience 

And the stress of life slowly eating away at me

I wanted to just escape 

I found myself a quiet place 

I switched off every other sense

I sat down and I just listened.

I let the harmonious musical instruments of nature take me away.

The air moving in and out as I took each breath.

The rustling of leaves as they fell to the earth.

The whispers of the wind as it gushed by.

This annoying buzzing made by a nearby fly.

I even took notice of the internal sensations.

My body’s loud but silent wonders.

The sound of my beating heart.

The butterflies I sometimes feel in my gut.

The silent thumps of my feelings bouncing around in my mind.

I still didn’t have the answers I wanted but I got up with a smile.

I realized without happiness it wouldn’t be life.

Tee

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Chronicles Of Temporary Disability 

  

So here we are exactly 421 days later. I’ve been keeping count of every single day (Well let’s face if you were me you’d probably count too). 

The accident still haunts me in my dreams but I actually don’t mind it as I used too. Don’t let the picture fool you things are still far from done but I try not let temporary setbacks make me lose view of the bigger picture (whatever the “bigger picture” may be). 

It hasn’t been coffee and roses or even a typical African house without cockroaches it’s been a journey and a half. Well it’s actually been more of roller coaster ride. They’re the momentary triumphs, the spates of anger and times of sadness but never a dull moment really. Those who tell you it all gets easier are liars, same goes with those that tell you you get stronger. In fact all cliches are to be ignored, their absolute rubbish. If you’re going through something trying and you’re quoted a cliche by someone, simply block that person give them some time to reflect on the stupidity of their actions. In true essence a hardship only reveals who you are within and triumph only comes when you accept things as they are not all this other bullshit. Almost everyday I find myself reflecting on what went wrong? What could I have done differently? But I come to the realization that, that shit doesn’t matter because what’s done is done. You can’t turn back the hands of time. 

I used to think there was nothing worse than death but life proved me wrong. They’re things far far worse on earth than in the after life. Imagine being alone in the lounge and it’s kick off time. You’re online on your Twitter so you see the football tweets flood the timeline, the Tv remote being a mere metre away from you yet you can’t reach it (The intelligence departments could adapt this as a torture technique). Anyways my life has literally come to being indoors or being at therapy. I don’t really mind though I’ve always hated people. So I now just mainly indulge in writing, catching a good movie and squeezing in a few reads (Mainly blogs I take ages to finish a book). At times writing feels talking to yourself on paper, which is actually good because it’s not as awkward when someone catches you. It actually amazed me that people think I’m good writer, I mean almost anyone can put words on paper.

Well I accept my compliments with the utmost humility that way they keep on coming. Though I’d rather be offered money than compliments (I know countless bloggers feel the same way lol). But I feel I’m now mostly doing things because it’s what’s there, I really couldn’t care less. Getting drunk  is currently the epitome of all things I want to achieve in my life right now. Being sober was never tailored for me plus I’m in dire need of an escape. Maybe I should invest my energy in a girlfriend but that would involve emotions and feelings which hardly leads to anything good. Well in life their a few things you can count on. You can count on the religious to tell you God has a plan for your life, the alcoholics to tell you alcohol is the answer and you can undoubtedly count on bacon to go with everything. I’m sorry if you don’t eat pork I’m yet to come up with the Halal version of that statement.

-The End

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The Mirror 

 

Staring at the mirror talking to myself, hoping I would hear the voice of my reflection.

I looked into my own eyes and saw a lost soul, drifting in whatever direction the wind was taking it.

I was hoping for a miracle, an epiphany or even just a brand new perception of life.

I tried to break out a smile but it took so much out of me, my lips just sagged back into a frown.

My motivation to keep pushing on was lost, I told myself really think about it, close your eyes try and have visions about it.

Was there a greater a plan, a bigger picture and a better life than the one we had, I highly doubted it.

I had lost my faith and when you lose your belief, you no longer have anything that carries you beyond the grief.

With my eyes bloodshot I punched the mirror with my bare knuckles and it shattered and I kept looking at myself on the broken pieces.

My hand was now bleeding and the pain was unbearable, I wanted to find the bottom of a whiskey bottle or a few hits of sweet maryjane.

But I realized the physical pain wasn’t as much as pain of losing my faith.

Tears began rushing down my cheeks, I cursed at mirror even though the mirror hadn’t done anything wrong.

The mirror had just made it possible for me to look at myself and I just hadn’t liked what I saw, what I had become, what I had let the evils of lucifer do to me.

I wiped of the tears, smiled and I apologized to the mirror, it made me realize that to give up is just giving up on yourself and to lose faith is just doubting the power of your actions.

The mirror had gotten me to take all my clothes off, it had seen me totally naked.

I don’t mean this literally but it’s a metaphor for how looking at the mirror I could truly see myself, I couldn’t hide behind any facades. 

The mirror showed me my own reflection so it wasn’t biased by it’s perception and it couldn’t make mistakes.

Tee

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Another Nightmare 

  

The sunlight is creeping in through the gaps between the curtains, it’s finally morning. I’m struggling to open my eyes. My head is pounding like a stone is bouncing around off the walls of my skull. There’s a ringing in my ears. I lazily start yawning, as I try to lift my hands the blankets feel so heavy. 

It’s like a tonne of bricks is on top of me. Not that a tonne of bricks is heavier than a tonne of some other thing but I’m just saying so you get the picture. I try to wiggle my legs but to no avail. My whole body is numb, it feels like it’s not even there. My vision is still blurry, to me this is all getting so fucking scary. I start to panic, my heart starts pounding, my breath gets shorter. It’s as if I’m drowning under water. I can finally see my vision has cleared. I’m on my bed but I’m not in my room. I’m staring at four walls but there isn’t a door. Tears rush to my eyes, my vision gets blurry. I’m loosing hope, I just want my life to stop. I try screaming out but nothing comes out. 

My voice is silent. I’ve lost it all, no more will to push on, no motivation to keep fighting, no belief in a greater plan or belief in the notion that everything happens for a reason. I think to myself let me just end it, let me just find a razor and slit my wrists or bang my head on the wall till I bleed. Then all of a sudden everything slows down, I feel weak, I’m fading. I feel as if my soul is about to leave my body. My mind is filled with regret. If I only had got one more moment to thank my mum and tell her I love her, if I had only confessed to the love of my life my true emotions, if only.. If only..

Like I’ve received a jolt of high voltage I wake up screaming, out of breath and in a pool of my own sweat. It hadn’t been real, it had only been just a dream. I smile. I’m alive. I’m not dying. I’m still surviving. I’m filled with so much joy, but as the smile came to my face it leaves. For my head starts pounding. I think back to the dream and I’m fear stricken but then I remember last night. The countless alcoholic drinks I had. I came home late. My friends convinced me to smoke cigarettes. So it was just the being over, I was getting sober. It was going to be one hell of a hangover. So although in pain I smiled again. Joyful thoughts ran throughout my brains, but happiness never lasts for long. For a while you can brighten your mood by listening to a song but the problems always come back to your thoughts, your limiting circumstances and all the things you did wrong. I remember the misery that is my life and a part of me wishes in the dream I hadn’t survived. It might not be literally but I feel like I’m somehow living this dream. Life can be so depressing. So many cliche statements telling us to be alive is a blessing but I honestly can’t stop stressing. Even at God sometimes I curse. How can I be in so much pain if for me you only want the best?.

I take a deep breath and tell myself in the next day my problems will still be there. Even though dreams like this will keep giving me a scare. So I smile once more, it’s for the third time. Not that I’m keeping score. I keep smiling as I pull my blankets up to sleep some more hoping as I sleep my blessings will continue to grow. A nightmare within a nightmare but I still have time to smile.

-The End

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As I Wake Up 

It’s quite early in the morning,

I lay awake on my bed

Still feeling sleepy and constantly yawning.

I see creeping through my window;

Are the gentle rays of the morning sun,

Signaling to all a new day has just begun.

I look out and I see,

Beautiful birds up on the tree,

Happily chirping away, spring is here they sing.

To me their clearly as joyful as can be.

Then from out of nowhere;

My dog comes running,

And it suddenly starts barking right under the tree.

As the birds take off

I hear a not so distant whisper;

I also wish I could fly,

True love must be there it can’t be a lie,

My heart just wants the feeling of being up so high,

With this thought in my mind I see your image in the sky.

I scream out take me with you,

What you’ve heard is all true,

For your love without question anything I’m willing to do.

Then just as my words fade into the air,

Your image fades too,

And what was once so beautiful in the sky is back to plain blue.

Tee

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The Struggle we call Life

The world is so eluding.

Anger, rage, sadness, jealousy it is alive with emotions.

Sometimes you don’t know how to feel.

Small things will easily make you lose your chill.

Why is all confusing?.

I just want life to be simple.

No fake friends, no hidden agendas.

Knowing no pain but only love.

I wish I could fly away from my problems like a bird.

Go to a distant place and build my nest.

Marry and have beautiful kids.

But the world is harsh and unforgiving.

I find pleasure in the little I can.

I badly wanna share what’s in my heart.

Sadly sharing seems to make you grow further apart.

At times I feel like punching a wall.

20 years old yet I still don’t know my role.

Who do I speak to?

Who can explain it?

My feelings are not about money or being famous.

A peaceful life is that too much to ask for?.

So many thoughts all at one go.

To a better life I wish there was just a door.

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MY PERFECT WOMAN.

Unexplainable sweetness, classy, demure and drop dead gorgeous.
Smooth charcoal black hair and honey sweet luscious lips.
From her beautiful brown eyes down to her curvy hips,
She’s all that and more than just a bag of Chips.
A breathtaking African beauty that receives love letters in heaps.
Daydreaming of me and her taking long walks in deserted streets,
Gentleman buying roses and falling down at her adorable feet.
Easily getting men wrapped around her finger and skipping to her beat.
Glorious and graceful so much radiance that even Satan weeps,
Angelic and stunning he can’t help but lose sleep.
Ashes to ashes dust to dust this girl might get the devil on a ten day fast.
Wonderful and pure even love can so easily turn to lust,
Just as that slice of bread is called the crust.
Going above and beyond just to gain her trust,
In her heart she believes only God is just.
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