The sunlight is creeping in through the gaps between the curtains, it’s finally morning. I’m struggling to find the strength to open my eyes. My head is pounding like a stone is bouncing around off the walls inside of my skull. There’s a ringing in my ears. I lazily start yawning, and as I try to lift my hands the blankets feel so heavy.
It’s like a tonne of bricks is on top of me. Not that a tonne of bricks is heavier than a tonne of some other thing else but I’m just saying so you get the picture. I try to wiggle my legs but to no avail. My whole body is numb, it feels like it’s not even there. My vision is still blurry, to me this is all getting a bit too scary. I start to panic, my heart starts pounding, my breath gets shorter. It’s as if I’m drowning under water. I can finally see as my vision has cleared. I’m on my bed but I’m not in my room. I’m staring at four walls but there isn’t a door. Tears rush to my eyes, my vision gets blurry as the floodgates open. I’m slowly loosing hope as if it’s literally being ripped out of my hands, I just want my life to stop. I try screaming out but no sound comes out.
My voice is silent. I’ve lost it all, no more will to push on, no motivation to keep fighting, no belief in a greater plan or belief in the notion that everything happens for a reason.
I think to myself let me just end it, let me just find a razor and slit my wrists or bang my head on the wall till I bleed. Then all of a sudden everything slows down, I feel weak, I’m fading. I feel as if my soul is about to leave my body. My mind is filled with regret. If I only had got one more moment to thank my mum and tell her I love her, if I had only confessed to the love of my life my true emotions, if only.. If only…
Then all of a sudden like I’ve received a jolt of high voltage I wake up screaming, out of breath and in a pool of my own sweat. It hadn’t been real, it had only been just a dream.
I’m not dying.
I’m still surviving.
I’m filled with so much joy, but as quickly as the smile came to my face it leaves. For my head starts pounding. I think back to the dream and I’m fear stricken but then I remember last night. The countless alcoholic drinks I had. I came home late. My friends convinced me to smoke cigarettes. So it was just a hangover, I was getting sober. It was going to be one hell of a hangover. So although in pain I smiled again. Joyful thoughts ran throughout my brain, but happiness never lasts for long.
For a while you can brighten your mood by listening to a song but the problems always come back to your thoughts, your limiting circumstances and all the things you did wrong. I remember the misery that is my life and a part of me wishes in the dream I hadn’t survived. It might not be literal but I feel like I’m somehow living this nightmare. Life can be so depressing. So many cliche statements telling us to be alive is a blessing but I honestly can’t stop stressing. Even at God sometimes I curse. How can I be in so much pain if for me you only want the best?.
I take a deep breath and tell myself in the next day my problems will still be there. Even though dreams like this will keep giving me a scare. I smile once more, it’s for the third time. Not that I’m keeping score. I keep smiling as I pull my blankets up to sleep some more hoping as I sleep my blessings will continue to grow. A nightmare within a nightmare but I still have time to smile.
On Saturday last weekend, this mentally disturbed guy who always hangs out by the shopping centre close to my house came to me to have a conversation. He’s the type of person everyone calls crazy, I’ve called him crazy a couple of times myself. He has in depth conversations and loud arguments with himself but last he weekend he came to me and said, “I know people call me mad and sometimes I’m lost in what I’m doing but I remember the important things.”
He told me he sees me and my struggles and he said that God sees and knows everything, he has my needs in his mind. He told he was proud of the progress I was making and he said everything comes and passes in life. I’ve just had one of the worst weeks but when I thought of his words I’ve never felt more blessed in my life.
This conversation went on and it was all good until he congratulated me on getting married and said he knew I had a beautiful wife. I had to contain my laughter at this point because I’m not even engaged in fact I don’t even have a girlfriend but nevertheless I welcome the blessings of finally finding my soulmate.
I hope you all had a bleesed week and if it had it’s struggles, next week is a new beginning. We’ll rise and fight again. Power to you and your battles. Laughter heals the soul.
PS: Someone told me when you picture people in black and white, you remove all distractions and you picture their souls. I think we all look better when we’re laughing or we’re dancing.