Conversations with other people run a little low and conversations with myself are all the more. More questions than answers. More sadness than laughter. Sometimes stupid ideas pop up and I know they are stupid but I’m determined to follow them through. And after doing it for I’m angered again by my own decision making. It’s a cycle that repeats itself.
Sometimes you’re in a crowded room but you feel you couldn’t more alone. Deaf to the music, blind to people, immune to the smiles and happy sentiments. You think you should just vanish, like that would be easier yet all you truly want to do is be found. A hundred contacts in your phone but there’s no one to call. Family at home but you still feel alone also. It doesn’t matter the time or the company when it strikes you, you’re all alone.
For some you find yourself at the bottom of a liquor bottle or at the short burning end of a blunt/joint (Don’t ask me how I know it burns I just infered). You find yourself there and the smiles return, the stories flow, the problems are forgotten and a little hope is restored. Though it only lasts for a while, for that time when the intoxicants alter your mind and give you a different but you return to earth. Sometimes yes you need to let your hair and let go but it can’t an everyday thing. They’re a lot things you have to consider. Don’t let temporary happiness be worth that a long healthy life.
Then there’s a time when you keep living through the pain. It’s been months sometimes years yet you still feel broken. Something happened that holds on to you and doesn’t let go. You relive an experience over and over. You hear all the “Just let it go!” speeches and the “time will heal you ones!” Yet your pain stays. We all heal different, don’t let your mind trick you into giving up. Talk about it, write about it or see a professional. Find your own way to feel whole again.
After my accident I found myself unable to be calm through a car ride, no matter what car. I had massive anxiety attack’s and every few minutes I felt Iike I couldn’t breathe. I gritted my teeth, tried to fall asleep but nothing worked. At night it was all the worse. The nightmares kept me awake. If I wasn’t dreaming about myself dying in an accident it was my family and if it wasn’t my family it was my friends. Sleeping was the worst part of my day.
I saw a psychiatrist or was it a psychologist (Are the two different?) I had no interest in what he had to say, because before every word I could feel the judgement. I didn’t want to be seen as weak, so I held tough. I said little and he said a lot of things that made sense. I kept riding in cars and I kept forcing myself to sleep. I had a couple in my friends in my corner and with behind I conquered my fears.
I can sleep and wake up with a smile, I can be in a car and not be afraid that any moment we’re all going to die. There’s light at the end of the tunnel (The tunnel might be very, very, very, very long though). Sharing what haunts you is not weakness but strength. The weak hide but the strong ones speak. It’s not about seeing a professional but a friend of family can suffice.
And if someone speaks to you don’t ever break that trust!
Some problems might require the need of a professional but just because it’s not diagnosed doesn’t mean the condition is not a real. I have an uncle who’s diagnosed as bipolar and as a kid though I’m not proud of it I admit what he said scared me a little. I sometimes tried to avoid him. But I grew up and the more we talked the more I undersold him.
He told me about the time he went to Meikles hotel and while wearing mapatapata (Slippers) he had a three course lunch and refused to pay afterwards. Eventually they got through to family and bill was settled. He shared a lot of stories and I always felt I had moderate my laughter. I didn’t laugh too hard or too little but I realized people are not their diseases. Bipolar disorder doesn’t define my uncle.
Mental or otherwise don’t view people by their disease or condition, see the person first.
We’re nothing in this world without each other.
In case someone is in need of this;