My heart is racing, it has never beat so fast I can feel immense palpitations. It’s as if someone has a hammer and is pounding against my rib cage from the inside. My hand trembles as I try to lift it up to wipe off the sweat on my face. It’s cold on the outside but my insides are burning. I look down and it feels a lot higher than the fifth floor. I take a deep breath and the air has a sting to it as I take it in. There’s a ball of thorns in my throat and I swallow hard to make it better but it’s as if my throat rejects the saliva making me cough. I think fuck it, it’s now or never. I close my eyes as I’m about to take this final leap.
I pause for a while taking in what I’m about to do. In fear I open them for one last moment to look around the balcony, there’s a flower pot with a withered rose and a broom in the corner. Not my perfect choice of companions but they’ll have to do. So this is it I say to myself, it’s the end, the last chapter in my story. I’m suddenly overcome by nostalgia. I clench my jaws and I clench my fists. By now tears are rushing down from my eyes as I think of my last words. The words “Happiness is a choice” linger on my mind. I chuckle and shrug because at the end of the day we don’t pick or choose our struggles. I shift back my mind to the speech before my plunge for this audience of two. On second thoughts I’m like forget it being sentimental will only lengthen an already long moment. With my body fighting against me I summon every ounce of strength I have and I jump off.
At first I feel like I’m victorious and I’ve taken some sort of supreme control. “I’ve won, I’ve won” inside me I repeat the words to myself. Goodbye problems and fuck you life, you can screw someone else. The happiness is short lived though. As I’m moving swiftly through the air I go past the third floor windows, the ground is moving closer and closer. I see the pavement. Concrete blocks. I see my head splattered and my brain minced upon impact. My whole body shattered and people quickly surrounding this gruesome scene, just have a peek at what’s left of what used to human being. I think back to what was so horrible and unbearable in life that I decided to do this. I draw a blank. I realize life’s fairness is hidden in it seeming unfair. Damn. How could I have been so self hateful and so stupid? Why did I do this? I want to go back. To just a minute ago. But is it already too late? Please God just rewind the hands of time for me this once. This is no victory, it’s me giving up, it’s me letting life win, I’ve actually succumbed to defeat. Their whispers in the air, I hear the calls from death and all his fallen friends. I can’t breathe anymore as everything around me slows down almost coming to a halt. I hear people’s screams, I see the shock and horror on their faces. A metre from the concrete I wish I had I never jumped, I look down and I see the devils face smiling on the pavement. I’m disappointed in myself. I realize I’ve totally fucked up…
Don’t give in to depression. There’s always a reason worth living for. Don’t realize everything could’ve been fixed when it’s too late.