The sunlight is creeping in through the gaps between the curtains, it’s finally morning. I’m struggling to open my eyes. My head is pounding like a stone is bouncing around off the walls of my skull. There’s a ringing in my ears. I lazily start yawning, as I try to lift my hands the blankets feel so heavy.
It’s like a tonne of bricks is on top of me. Not that a tonne of bricks is heavier than a tonne of some other thing but I’m just saying so you get the picture. I try to wiggle my legs but to no avail. My whole body is numb, it feels like it’s not even there. My vision is still blurry, to me this is all getting so fucking scary. I start to panic, my heart starts pounding, my breath gets shorter. It’s as if I’m drowning under water. I can finally see my vision has cleared. I’m on my bed but I’m not in my room. I’m staring at four walls but there isn’t a door. Tears rush to my eyes, my vision gets blurry. I’m loosing hope, I just want my life to stop. I try screaming out but nothing comes out.
My voice is silent. I’ve lost it all, no more will to push on, no motivation to keep fighting, no belief in a greater plan or belief in the notion that everything happens for a reason. I think to myself let me just end it, let me just find a razor and slit my wrists or bang my head on the wall till I bleed. Then all of a sudden everything slows down, I feel weak, I’m fading. I feel as if my soul is about to leave my body. My mind is filled with regret. If I only had got one more moment to thank my mum and tell her I love her, if I had only confessed to the love of my life my true emotions, if only.. If only..
Like I’ve received a jolt of high voltage I wake up screaming, out of breath and in a pool of my own sweat. It hadn’t been real, it had only been just a dream. I smile. I’m alive. I’m not dying. I’m still surviving. I’m filled with so much joy, but as the smile came to my face it leaves. For my head starts pounding. I think back to the dream and I’m fear stricken but then I remember last night. The countless alcoholic drinks I had. I came home late. My friends convinced me to smoke cigarettes. So it was just the being over, I was getting sober. It was going to be one hell of a hangover. So although in pain I smiled again. Joyful thoughts ran throughout my brains, but happiness never lasts for long. For a while you can brighten your mood by listening to a song but the problems always come back to your thoughts, your limiting circumstances and all the things you did wrong. I remember the misery that is my life and a part of me wishes in the dream I hadn’t survived. It might not be literally but I feel like I’m somehow living this dream. Life can be so depressing. So many cliche statements telling us to be alive is a blessing but I honestly can’t stop stressing. Even at God sometimes I curse. How can I be in so much pain if for me you only want the best?.
I take a deep breath and tell myself in the next day my problems will still be there. Even though dreams like this will keep giving me a scare. So I smile once more, it’s for the third time. Not that I’m keeping score. I keep smiling as I pull my blankets up to sleep some more hoping as I sleep my blessings will continue to grow. A nightmare within a nightmare but I still have time to smile.